International Talk Like a Pirate Day

20 Sep

In the ranks of bogus holidays — Christmas in July, National Fudge Appreciation Day, Anniversary of the Battle of Mungerstown  — ITLAP Day stands out as particularly lame. However, I have this tie, which She Who Considers herself To Be My Daughter gave me. It’s covered with skulls and crossbones. And, as I had to work at the library yesterday, for the first time in years I put one on.

Thanks to my years of military experience (J.R.O.T.C. 1963-65) I still remember how to do a knot, and tucking an emergency eyepatch into my shirt pocket, off I went.

Needless to say, no one else knew what day it was supposed to be, nor responded in any appropriate way to my cheery “Arh’s” with anything but wary stares. I was unable to engage anyone in conversation a la mode. One got the distinct impression that nobody cared.

Somewhere there must be a committee sitting around doing nothing when they should be promoting this thing so that  don’t look like an idiot. Or at least not the only idiot. Everything has a committee. I mean, there’s a Milk Advisory Board, for pete’s sake. Somewhere tucked into the folds of the U.S. government there’s a board to supervise peanuts (the food, not the comic strip). How hard can it be to get other people to make fools of themselves in this way once a year?

Now that I think of it, we owe it to the pirates. Pirates have had a huge impact on American history. The captain of the Mayflower was a pirate. That he took a bribe to dump the Pilgrims off on Cape Cod rather than Chesapeake Bay where they’d thought they were going shows he still had his ways about him. And it was the flints, cannons and artillery expertise of Jean Lafitte and Dominique You that won the Battle of New Orleans. If it weren’t for them, everybody in Louisiana would be speaking English right now.

We need a government program.

So who out there has the connections, the influence, the macht to make this happen? Who can restore piracy to its rightful place in the American pantheon, if only for one day a year? Who will buy a tie like mine and wear it?

The nation is waiting.

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